Wondering

I don't mind doing favors for people. This automatically puts them in the position of owing me a favor, and trust me, I'm a big believer in payback.

Lately I've been been asked to do quite a lot of favors for people, and I find it hilarious that the word "wondering" is, without exception, one of the main ingredients of asking me do a favor.

"I was wondering if you could proofread my letter."

"I was wondering if you wouldn't mind helping me with this project."

"I was wondering if you might contribute to this charity."

Why can't they just say:

"Would you proofread this?"

"Can you help me?"

"Could you give me some money?"

Why can't the subject of the sentence be more about the favor itself, and less about the act of wondering? One of the main differences between the first clutch of sentences (the "wondering" ones) and my revisions is that the original ones avoid asking a question. Examine each of those opening salvos, and you'll notice that the speakers are merely making a statement—they're giving you some information about themselves, not actually asking you anything. It's really an act of cowardice. Grow some cajones. If you want something, don't sit there wondering. Just ask!

Imagineering

For some reason, I always hear the stupidest things on TV right before I go to work. This morning's atrocity was a commercial for "Dr. Dolittle," the musical starring Tommy Tune, which is apparently coming to L.A.'s Pantages Theater. The voice-over announcer instructed me to "get ready for family entertainment beyond your wildest imagination!"

Now, I think it's important for this TV announcer to understand that while my imagination may not be as versatile as, say, Stephen Hawking's, it's reasonably spiffy. I can imagine a kind of family entertainment that would, for example, encompass the euphoria of being on heroin and crack cocaine while having unprotected sex with Heather Locklear handcuffed to the bedposts after breast-enlargement surgery. I can imagine a kind of family entertainment that would be like taking a five-hour ride on a roller coaster that starts at the top of the Empire State Building in New York and ends in Atlantic City, with 5,001 upside-down loops along the way. Somehow, I don't think Tommy Tune singing, "If I Could Talk to the Animals" to a guy in a Pushmi-Pullyu costume is going to transcend my wildest imagination. It might—and I'm being very charitable here—might be beyond my imaginative capabilities at 5 o'clock on a Sunday morning after I've taken a sleeping pill and was just awakened by the sound of a ringing telephone. But probably not.

Nouning

Actual phone conversation I just had:

Me: Hello, I was calling to check the status of my credit-card application.

CSR: May I have your Invitation Number?

Me: Sure. It's 425-6668-5332.

CSR: Thank you. Just a moment. (pause) I'm sorry sir, that application has not yet been decisioned.

Fiddle-Dee-Deity

Here's something that never fails to bring a quizzical expression to my face:

"God helps those who help themselves."

Do people genuinely find this bit of wisdom inspirational for some reason? Does this mean that God doesn't help those who don't or won't help themselves? What if the guy can't help himself? What if he has no arms, and the help he needs is to open a door? God can't help that guy?

I'm told the expression came from Aesop. "It's one of those circular logic things that Bible thumpers like to trot out," my pal Cindybear says. "Essentially God can help you, but he won't; when things work out, he'll take credit for it. Kinda like a conservative, I guess."

To me it's like saying, "The candy is free to those who pay for it." Actually, I've seen pretty much that exact thing while shopping. The other day I was in a mall, and there was a sign in a store window that said, "FREE EAR PIERCING with $3.00 service charge." Excuse me, do I have the word idiot tattooed on my forehead? (Before you respond to that, let me assure you that the answer is no.)

Non-Good English

Heard on the local news not more than three minutes ago:

"The three passengers of the car were taken to the hospital with non-life-threatening injuries."

I would have prefered to hear "with injuries that were not life-threatening."

But people seem to like saying the "non."

Nonfat.

Nondisclosure.

Nonentity.

And so forth.

I call it nonsense.

Tiny Time Wasters, Part 1

If you're using the Internet, and you click on a link or type a URL into your browser, I'm fairly sure you like to get to the meat right away. Is there anybody who actually enjoys the treacle? Earlier today I went to a website for work...and the introductory page provided the name of the company and a button that said, "Enter." What's the point exactly? Why aren't we automatically directed to the place we want to go? Why must we "Enter"? It's not a building. It's www.buy-this-right-now.com. Is there one person on the planet who wants to go through the hassle of a superfluous mouse click? If you're a webmaster with an "Enter" page, you must have this sign on your wall.

Attention Dead People

It's not that I don't believe John Edward can communicate with the dead.

I'm sure he can.

The problem is that he fails to ask the right questions.

All we need to know from the dead are the following:

1. Where is the gold buried?

2. Where is the treasure hidden?

You may now resume your haunting activities.

Another Goddamn Blog

Dueling blogs! Turns out I have so much to say that I can't possibly say it all here, so I've started an alternate blog on MySpace. The other one is little more abstract. Not that anybody is reading either one. Still, I suppose I could have fans out there in cyberspace. Or maybe I will die in some horrific manner, and the blogs will achieve notoriety simply by being there. Well, now things will be twice as creepy with this other blog, which you can access with this link:

Brett's MySpace Blog

Have a Lou Bega day!

How Great Thou Aren't

It was the kind of tragic event that distracts an entire nation, and in this case, much of the world waited in horror.

Thirteen miners a mile or so beneath the ground in West Virginia were trapped following a deadly explosion. For 42 grueling hours, a rescue workers tried to reach and save the men. And then, last night, came word of a miracle.

All but one of the men were found alive.

Before I went to sleep last night, I watched a news program that showed numerous people, including friends and families of the 12 men, gathered in front of a church and singing a gospel hymn: "How Great Thou Art."

But when I woke up, the news reports were solemn -- due to a miscommunication, all but one of the men were dead.

Tragic news, indeed. But all I can think about is the song. "How Great Thou Art." Do the people singing the song still believe in the message? And if so, isn't it a different message -- not how great God is for helping to save their loved ones, but how truly great his wrath is?

Why do we always make it about God? There was a terrible incident and several people died. Credit God, if you must, for creating the Heavens and the Earth, but why invoke his name when something like this happens? I guess we feel we must thank someone. Still...what song are these people singing now?

Memo to Nabisco

Please invent seedless Fig Newtons.

I like the cookies, but the seeds subtract from my enjoyment.

Therefore, Fig Newtons without the seeds would be a much more satisfying taste experience.

We can make this a perfect world, one step at a time.

Rednecks Sure Do Talk Funny

A contraction is a smaller or abbreviated way of saying something longer (I would = I'd).

But only a Southerner can take a short word and make it unnecessarily longer.

One particular word that has always amused me is "iffen" (or "if'n"), a word I've only heard from country folk.

Let us all join together and laugh at Bubba.

Sorry, Jake...

...but I can't pronounce "Gyllenhaal," and I don't think many other people can, either.

Smile a Little Smile for Me

For as long as I can remember, people have been talking and writing about Mona Lisa's smile.

The painting has been the subject of endless speculation and analysis for eons. There's even a movie called Mona Lisa Smile. Art lovers talk about it with a kind of reverence usually reserved for something holy. "The viewer cannot help but look at that cryptic smile and wonder what she is thinking...what secret is she hiding?"

From The New York Times: "First she is smiling. Then the smile fades. A moment later the smile returns only to disappear again. What is with this lady's face? How did the great painter capture such a mysterious expression and why haven't other artists copied it?"

And for as long as I have been reading this kind of thing, I have been staring at that painting, baffled by what everybody else can see that I can't -- like the occasional person who is confounded by the hidden pictures in those "3-D" illustrations that were popular several years ago, and is convinced the whole enigma surrounding the lady's smirk is some kind of elaborate prank.

That's how I view the Mona Lisa -- like some kind of Emperor's clothes scenario, a smile you can only view as mysterious if you're cool. "Oh, sure, I see it. Wow. How puzzling! How ambiguous! What's she thinking?"

Well, I'll tell you what she's thinking.

Hurry the fuck up and finish painting. My ass is killing me!

Isn't that what you'd be thinking?

Just an Observation

Did you ever notice how the addition of one word can make something that sounds nice into something that sounds not very nice?

BEFORE: "Thanks for the tip!"

AFTER: "Thanks for the tip, schmuck."

Eye Just Don't Get It

Why do we say "He robbed me blind"? Is the implication supposed to be that the robber stole the eyes out of my sockets?

I'm Just Asking

Does the word "duly" ever modify anything other than "noted"?

Buy This Book or My Dog Will Shoot

New from Authorhouse: my new book, The Dog Ate My Gun, available at Amazon and other online retailers for $19.95, and from the publisher for $15.70. It's a collection of email pranks, cartoons, funny stories, short plays and miscellaneous comedy material. Of course, the book (in the works for several years) inspired the title of this very blog. So go ahead, make my accountant the happiest guy in the world and buy a copy today!

Can I Ask You a Question?

Why do people bother saying this?

Because the answer can't possibly be "no."

That would technically be answering the original question.

A better preface would be: "I am about to ask you a question. You may decide not to answer."

But that, too, strikes me as rather silly and pointless.

Just ask the question, Miss Busybody.

Wait'll You Hear This!

"Wait till you hear about my new raise!"

"Just wait'll you hear what happened to Jamie!"

Why?

Why do I have to wait?

Why can't you just tell me, so we can both revel in the news together?

This unusual expression has baffled me for quite a while. In the examples above, it seems clear that the speaker is about to bespeak something exciting. Indeed, "I just got a great raise!" or "Something wild happened to Jamie!" would perfectly suffice. But instead, the focus is on the actual waiting period between the announcement and "the big reveal."

Why is that so important? Is it all about creating an illusion of thrilling anticipation, a sort of lofty tease?

Why say: "Ugh! Just wait till you have children of your own!"

Instead of: "Ugh! After have have kids of your own, then you'll be sorry!"

Or some variation thereof.

One phrase I understand a little better is "Just wait till your father gets home!" In this case, the speaker obviously wishes to fill the hearer's life with dread and horror, as if the waiting were worse than the inevitable punishment.

Even so, I find it interesting that we place so much importance on the waiting.

I, for one, am getting a little tired of having to wait.

Second From Last

As a writer and copy editor, I have a natural contempt for misused words, grammar and punctuation. My biggest pet peeves are ordinary misspelled words. I have a friend in college who—even after I've lectured her hundreds of times—continues to write would of and could of. Did I mention she's in college? She gets you're and your confused as well. Another friend called me up one day, amazed that she'd found a mistake in the dictionary. It seems they left out a very common word: alot. How I laughed and laughed.

Several years ago, one of the advertisers in the magazine I edit typically bought a monthly full-page ad on the back cover. This boat builder designed his own ads in house, and would always, always let a few typos get into his text. And of course, his was the only ad I ever looked at, because I would always hunt for his stupid mistakes.

One month, looking at his newest ad, I burst into peals of childish laughter. I called him up immediately to ask him about it.

"So, I see in your new full-page ad that you claim to be the penultimate builder in the boating industry!"

"That's right," he confirmed.

"How does it feel to be second from last?" I asked him.

What is your biggest writing-related pet peeve?