Sunday, June 10, 2007

It's All in the Gaimen


Where a dashing, sword-wielding man in a dress...

And the pretty blonde from My So-Called Life...

Are framed by a large glowing orange ball while standing next to a fog machine...

And surrounded by other familiar-looking costumed actors with various facial expressions...

A flash of lightning and some kind of sailing vessel will appear on the horizon!

It's all happening this summer in...

There IS a Need to Fear

This summer...


...that a major studio can scrape the bottom of the barrel.

Thanks for nothing, Disney.

What's next, Wally Gator: The Movie?

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Stop & Godot

There is one invention I keep waiting for, and those who know me well will not be surprised to learn it's related to traffic. As a guy who spends a comparatively small amount of time in traffic, I nonetheless blame it for about 90 percent of my fears, complaints and general discontent. Here's something that would alleviate at least a small portion of my stress.

We've all found ourselves sitting at a red light at 11:30 p.m., often with a dozen other cars, at the northbound corner of an intersection where there is absolutely no traffic going east or west. Not for miles. Zilch! Nada! But because the lights are all on an automated system, the red shines at regular intervals anyway.

To this I say, "Nay! Invent some sort of a mechanism that only triggers the red light when opposing traffic develops!" Well, I don't actually say it. I think it. But I think it loudly at times when I'm sitting there, staring at the red light, trying to make it explode by sheer will.

The Thing

I have ascertained, through simple interrogation of my friends, that virtually everybody has suffered from The Thing at one time or another.

And yet, there seems to be no formal name for this odd occurrence.

I'm talking about when you get that infernal itch that's located somewhere between your ear and the side of the very back of your tongue. And you can only relieve it by poking your finger in your ear and scraping of your tongue against the back of your throat at the same time.

What is that Thing?

Sunday, June 03, 2007

Also: Whereas

You know that expression, "No ifs, ands or buts"? Here's a loophole in that rule: They leave no provision for howevers. So go ahead and use as many of those as you like.