Friday, January 27, 2006


Actual phone conversation I just had:

Me: Hello, I was calling to check the status of my credit-card application.

CSR: May I have your Invitation Number?

Me: Sure. It's 425-6668-5332.

CSR: Thank you. Just a moment. (pause) I'm sorry sir, that application has not yet been decisioned.

Sunday, January 22, 2006


Here's something that never fails to bring a quizzical expression to my face:

"God helps those who help themselves."

Do people genuinely find this bit of wisdom inspirational for some reason? Does this mean that God doesn't help those who don't or won't help themselves? What if the guy can't help himself? What if he has no arms, and the help he needs is to open a door? God can't help that guy?

I'm told the expression came from Aesop. "It's one of those circular logic things that Bible thumpers like to trot out," my pal Cindybear says. "Essentially God can help you, but he won't; when things work out, he'll take credit for it. Kinda like a conservative, I guess."

To me it's like saying, "The candy is free to those who pay for it." Actually, I've seen pretty much that exact thing while shopping. The other day I was in a mall, and there was a sign in a store window that said, "FREE EAR PIERCING with $3.00 service charge." Excuse me, do I have the word idiot tattooed on my forehead? (Before you respond to that, let me assure you that the answer is no.)

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Non-Good English

Heard on the local news not more than three minutes ago:

"The three passengers of the car were taken to the hospital with non-life-threatening injuries."

I would have prefered to hear "with injuries that were not life-threatening."

But people seem to like saying the "non."




And so forth.

I call it nonsense.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Tiny Time Wasters, Part 1

If you're using the Internet, and you click on a link or type a URL into your browser, I'm fairly sure you like to get to the meat right away. Is there anybody who actually enjoys the treacle? Earlier today I went to a website for work...and the introductory page provided the name of the company and a button that said, "Enter." What's the point exactly? Why aren't we automatically directed to the place we want to go? Why must we "Enter"? It's not a building. It's Is there one person on the planet who wants to go through the hassle of a superfluous mouse click? If you're a webmaster with an "Enter" page, you must have this sign on your wall.

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Attention Dead People

It's not that I don't believe John Edward can communicate with the dead.

I'm sure he can.

The problem is that he fails to ask the right questions.

All we need to know from the dead are the following:

1. Where is the gold buried?

2. Where is the treasure hidden?

You may now resume your haunting activities.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Another Goddamn Blog

Dueling blogs! Turns out I have so much to say that I can't possibly say it all here, so I've started an alternate blog on MySpace. The other one is little more abstract. Not that anybody is reading either one. Still, I suppose I could have fans out there in cyberspace. Or maybe I will die in some horrific manner, and the blogs will achieve notoriety simply by being there. Well, now things will be twice as creepy with this other blog, which you can access with this link:

Brett's MySpace Blog

Have a Lou Bega day!

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

How Great Thou Aren't

It was the kind of tragic event that distracts an entire nation, and in this case, much of the world waited in horror.

Thirteen miners a mile or so beneath the ground in West Virginia were trapped following a deadly explosion. For 42 grueling hours, a rescue workers tried to reach and save the men. And then, last night, came word of a miracle.

All but one of the men were found alive.

Before I went to sleep last night, I watched a news program that showed numerous people, including friends and families of the 12 men, gathered in front of a church and singing a gospel hymn: "How Great Thou Art."

But when I woke up, the news reports were solemn -- due to a miscommunication, all but one of the men were dead.

Tragic news, indeed. But all I can think about is the song. "How Great Thou Art." Do the people singing the song still believe in the message? And if so, isn't it a different message -- not how great God is for helping to save their loved ones, but how truly great his wrath is?

Why do we always make it about God? There was a terrible incident and several people died. Credit God, if you must, for creating the Heavens and the Earth, but why invoke his name when something like this happens? I guess we feel we must thank someone. Still...what song are these people singing now?